Thursday, 5 December 2013

Positivity...

I was clearing out some documents from my computer tonight and came across the following stuff I wrote in 2009/10ish - who was this person? I need to get back to being her!!!! This is what I found:


I got this idea from a blog Lisa did and like her I loved the thought of actually being positive for a change rather than always being down on ourselves like most of us can be too much of the time.

The idea is to think of 50 things we like or appreciate about ourselves, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant. We don’t look to our good points often enough and are always concentrating on the bad.

I am not bragging…just reminding myself that in there, under the self doubts I have had in the past few months, (or rather years LOL!) there are some positive things to be said…So here are mine and I welcome you to do the same


1. I have some amazing friends…they mean so much to me and have made my life sparkle when it has been at its darkest!

2. I can find fun in the smallest of things...I enjoy the silly bits of life!

3. I have a well developed sense of curiosity which usually makes life interesting.

4. Call me a freaky weirdo if you will, but I like to look at the world with a different slant which makes it more interesting on a day to day basis than just taking reality at face value - boring!

5. I have nearly perfected the art of F**k it – just a few wobbly moments now and then but they pass and back to F**K IT!!!!

6. I am a very independent kind of a girl…just as well as I’ve been let down by blokes too often…

7. I am starting to realise that really, if you don’t have time for me, F**K IT then I don’t need you in my life, your loss…

8. I don’t have a perfect figure…stretch marks, blobby bits, yes, but F**K it I don’t care anymore…I am just me!

9. I can do silly, stupid things in life but I am academic clever…something I used to hide from folk when I was younger…

10. I generally pick stuff up easily…I don’t always have to work hard at things to understand them, unless they involve numbers…

11. I have brought up two amazing kids, who I am damn proud of, virtually single handed.

12. My daughter’s friends think I am cool and have said they would like a Mum like me…even though that embarrasses her LOL!

13. I asked my daughter what she likes about me and she said I was pretty and a nice and kind person…and I didn’t pay her any money to say it! I think she needs glasses BUT like that she thinks that, because we do disagree and argue a lot!!!!

14. I asked my son and he said I was a really funny person and had an aura of niceness that surrounded me :O)…I like that he thinks that….and he also was not paid LOL…although I had just promised him tickets to an event in Birmingham that he wanted to go to!

15. I don’t always have a lot of money to spare but I am good at spreading it out!

16. I don’t always have a lot of money to spare but I am generous to others with what I have…

17. I like to pay my way…

18. I put my kids first – some blokes may find that difficult but tough, if they can’t then F**K IT.

19. Although I have been through some tough times, I have an inner strength which has surprised me at times and got me through the rough bits.

20. I don’t bail when the going gets tough. I would NEVER abandon anyone I cared about when they were having a tough time…

21. I have the maturity to forgive and forget and move on in life without holding grudges…

22. I am fiercely loyal to those I love.

23. I am a good friend…I will be there 100% for those I care about.

24. When I say I love you, I always mean it 100%

25. I try to be honest in my relationships.

26. I think about other people’s feelings: I treat them like I would like to be treated.

27. I am a good listener.

28. I can tile!

29. I can wallpaper!

30. I can roll my tongue!

31. I like my tattoo and am going to get more soon. (I have since got another one ;-)!)

32. I would never knowingly hurt someone out of vindictiveness.

33. I am nearly 40 but I am fitter now than when I was younger. (44 now, not quite so fit!)

34. I am not easily swayed by other people’s opinions…although sometimes they can confuse me…I generally like to take time out and make up my own mind…

35. I am a cheap date!

36. I have interesting dreams!

37. I am a very honest person…e.g. if I get too much change I will give it back to the cashier…

38. I am bluddy good at my job…libraries may bore the pants off some folk but I have done good to get where I am today.

39. I like to make a difference to people and go out of my way to help many of my customers.

40. I like to learn new skills.

41. If I am doing something I like to do it well…a bit of a perfectionist but that isn’t always a bad thing.

42. I can touch my arm with my bent back thumb!

43. I am very open minded and getting more so with age.

44. The last thing anyone could call me is a snob!

45. I can make a smiley face with my belly LOL!

46. I have silly pants and I am not afraid to wear them LOL!

47. I have silly socks and I am not afraid to wear them LOL!

48. I can’t sing…but that is maybe a good thing as it provides amusement to others when I do try!

49. I don’t waste my free time watching a lot of old pooh on the TV!

50. I like my own company…OK it would be nice to have that special someone to share things with, but hey, I am quite good company so F**K IT!















 

Sunday, 1 December 2013

Dear Body...



This post is an assignment for part of the Love EVERY Body positivity workshop group I have joined.
http://www.justmeleah.co.uk/search/label/Love%20EVERY%20Body

Dear Body,

We have been stuck with each other for 44 years now, and may well be for another 40 or so and I still don’t understand how we just don’t get along. Inside my head, I want to be this sexy sassy lady but whether you have been size 8 or size 20, my mind never quite feels comfortable with you!

When I was little you were big and you kept getting judged by people. Our mother, cousins, aunts would all comment on you, and we got picked on at school which hurt, a lot! Relatives would always comment on your size while trying to stuff you with more cake! Even years after leaving home, when we go back to visit the first comments will always be ‘Oh you have lost weight, you look older though when you are skinny’ or , ‘You’ve put a bit of weight on, but it suits you to have a bit of meat on you!’ NO need to make any of these comments but they just reinforce how judged I am on how you look!

When we hit puberty something bad happened. Your hair started to thin. You had tests and got told you were reacting to androgens in your body. There were pills that could be taken but they cost thousands every year and I couldn’t afford that. How feminine can a woman feel with thin hair? I wore a hat for years to cover this up. But that wasn’t practical. I will never have normal hair and I have dealt with that, but it still makes me really self conscious and that will never ever go away.

But why should I care? I care because my relationship with you has affected my relationships with other people and it shouldn’t do. I don’t want it to, but it has. My ex husband cheated on me – I don’t know how many times, but the number is irrelevant, just once is one time too many. I felt if only I looked more attractive then he wouldn’t have – but realise now that no, it was just who he was.

I still thought I needed to lose weight!
I went out with a guy for two years and towards the end you had got a lot bigger, he wobbled your belly and joked about your size, saying things like ‘Oh, so and so thought my girlfriend was skinny’…he dressed it up in jokes, but they hurt and made me sad. He made fun of my small boobs and my extensions. When we split up, I lost three stone in as many months and did it so quickly that I had saggy skin on my belly, even though I was size 8/10. Even at so small a size, I couldn’t look at you and feel happy. My ex hooked up with me from time to time, as he found me attractive again physically, but he didn’t want me back. You could attract people, but I couldn’t keep them. I felt like a failure. I never felt good enough to deserve happiness and kept folk at arms length.

My most recent ex looked at me a month or two before we split up and said that if you got any bigger it would be a problem for him….you did get bigger and I was in agony inside. We went on a holiday to Cyprus and it was torture wanting to avoid the beach and not being able to wear nice clothes because I felt like a beached whale, and so worried that he would dump me because of you. I got really insecure in my head, and pushed him away before he could reject me (like everyone else I had ever cared for had done), which he did, but it wasn’t your fault really, body, it was my own stupid thoughts and how they affected my behaviour. He was not small – over 15 stone, but when I looked at him I saw someone even more attractive than Brad Pitt, or Johnny Depp – his size did not matter to me at all  as I loved him for who he was – beautiful on the outside and the inside. I acted insecure and needy and blamed you and that was wrong!!! Yet again I lost someone who I loved very much, because of my own insecurity, not because of you body!

I don’t mind the scars that you have. You have been through a few operations and have been broken a few times. You have stretch marks, which aren’t so attractive but I don’t mind these kind of scars. It is your size that is never quite right and the fact I let the opinions of others affect me about you...

Weight lost since May 2013
Recently, I have been getting more comfortable with you. I have lost heaps of weight and am now size 10/12. I have had guys tell me you look hot, but they have also said that you looked hot when you were bigger too. Why do I still find that hard to believe? One male friend told me that it wasn’t size that was important but confidence. He said he would never find an insecure person attractive, no matter how well they looked but a large lady with heaps of confidence was a much bigger turn on for him.

Recently a guy told me what a nice bum I had – and for once I was able to agree! I like my bum – yeah it could be more toned, but it is fine as it is for a woman in her mid forties! He liked my boobs too - said gravity had been kind lol! I've always thought they were a bit small. but maybe small does have its advantages when growing older!

An ex said one of the nicest things to me recently: “To me it wouldn’t matter if you were a size 18+ because you are a beautiful person inside.” I wish I could believe that body and be completely comfortable with you and have that inner confidence shine through no matter what you look like on the outside...